Saturday, September 14, 2013

Nighttime Blogging--Contemplating Tears

Have you ever just felt sad for no reason? I have. I am right now. I just feel tears welling up but not falling. They slosh around my eyes, sometimes blurring my vision field. I just get a heavy feeling over me like something is lying on top of my chest and it makes it hard to breathe. There is nothing wrong. Nothing I can fathom being wrong. I love my life. I just had fun. But it is still there. That feeling of exhaustion, of something being off, of a deep sorrow.

People have came up with multiple theories. I personally like the one where your supposed "soul mate" might be hurt in someway when you feel this way. Or perhaps there is something bigger trying to tell me something. Maybe God is trying to catch my attention. It works. Or maybe it is just a weird chemical imbalance in the brain. A state that cannot be fully corrected ever. I don't know.

But when the screen blurs and I cannot even see what I'm typing, I wonder... why. why do I feel this way? Why am I crying if nothing is wrong? Why do I feel so dampened when there isn't rain in sight? And I like the rain, so that shouldn't be something to make  me sad.

And as I sit here contemplating all of this, I wonder. Is something wrong with me? Is there a bigger, underlying problem I cannot see? Or maybe one I do not wish to admit.

And I pretend to be happy and laughing. I pretend nothing is wrong sometimes. I fake it. I am a fake. And my life seems to fracture another crack. But I don't want to unfold my secret feelings on the world because the world points at those who feel too much. They point and make fun. They point and say they are different, weird, mistakes. Unable to cope. Unable to talk to. They stare and wonder why that kid hides in the folds of his hoodie. Why he doesn't speak up in class but stares at his notebook or homework with the answers. Because maybe he doesn't feel like saying anything. Maybe he prefers to listen. Or perhaps there is more happening inside of him and he does not want to be bothered with trivial things as homework.

And so I cry out to God through my tears. I cry out for answers. For hope. All that I hear is silence. I wait. I try to wait longer. Nothing. Maybe a Bible verse is thrown at me. A word of encouragement from a friend. It helps for a little while, but there is still something wedged inside of me that won't let go. I need more. I thirst for more. I search high and low for answers to  the sadness.

In the midst of the tears, the heavy feelings, the  overwhelming doubt for help, there is a spark. A small light burning no brighter than a candle. But in the middle of darkness, one candle is the entire illumination. A small hint of more to come begins to glow.

There is nothing wrong with me, not in the sense that it is a problem. Not like how the world sees and points. No. I feel a lot. Maybe too much. But there is good reason.

I can feel emotions others cannot. I can dive deep into the heart of things in ways other people cannot. I can contemplate life and the universe and everything and still be awestruck daily. Yeah, it is hard when the feelings overwhelm, when the tears run wild, but there is also a secure hope that I am important. I am worthy. Even when the world says different. Even when the world says weird. I am unique. I am my own person. I am a creation of God, made for a purpose that I can only begin to fathom. I am a child of God. And I maybe have more feelings. I may get sad, but maybe that is because I am closer to feeling God's feelings. Maybe His emotions are being reflected in me. Because I am created in His image. And that makes me different, but that does not make me a mistake.

So my overwhelming feelings are just a reminder that there is a God watching over me, understanding these feelings. He knows. And that gives me comfort instead of tears.

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